My First House

    In my experience with the Bully, we bought a house together, and he took it from me without a single dime. Should there have been protections for me? Yes. Was anyone willing to help? No. He knew this with the advice of his mother (who he learned to be a narcissist from), who knew I was isolated from family and so exhausted emotionally that I wasn't going to do anything. I tried to call lawyers to ask for advice on the subject and maybe get help, but they all refused. It is all because I never married him. Total BS. I even tried to stay there as long as I could to try to talk him into letting me keep the house, and I would reimburse him for his costs and refinance the house myself because the kids were happy in school, and they made friends there. we only lived there for two years then, so it wouldn't be that hard to switch. He was almost on board with that, but Mommy gave him advice. He even convinced her and others that I didn't put any money in on the house ( I put 7000, and he put 3000 for a down payment). I was receiving unemployment payments at the time and made enough for half the mortgage as well. So a couple of weeks later, I asked him again about the house for either selling it together or letting me and the kids stay there so they can have some kind of stability. He flat out said no, said it was more his house, and F*&%, my children. The worst part about this was my kids overheard him say that because he is loud. It was not more his house. It was equal, a joint mortgage. He said he would never get rid of this house. I really think he was saying that I was trapped, so I had better deal with it. For two months after that, I stayed because I didn't know what to do, and I had nowhere to go. My kids were in school I had an excellent full-time job, so I couldn't re-locate to my parent's house in Long Island, where I grew up. I figured I would bide my time there until I got enough funds to get an apartment nearby to stay in the school district because I had bills to pay. Sometimes he acted like we were still together, and I kept reminding him if he didn't want to make a solution with the house, I had to stay there until I could make other arrangements. He would fight with me, telling me what I should do (which only benefits him). It's not that he didn't like that I was staying there. It was telling him the relationship was over. He didn't care what happened to the kids he claimed to love (which proved none) or just having common decency or respect so that we wouldn't end up on the street. He really wanted me to comply and acted like he would be nice to me if I did the right thing and dealt with the pitfalls of a relationship. NO, I wasn't going to keep worrying if he was cheating on me. NO, I wasn't going to let him pit my kids against me like he had done. NO, I wasn't going to take verbal bashing daily. NO, I wasn't going to let him ruin my mood when I was happy on a particular day. NO, I wasn't going to let him hurt my kids any longer. NO, I wasn't going to let him change me into a person he tried to make into just to fit his narrative. I was engaged to him for six of the eight years we were together, and he never wanted to discuss wedding plans. Do you know why? Because he was stringing me along to make me buy a house with him that he knew he would take. So because I wasn't willing to be with him, he started with his games. Having parties on a school night when the kids are trying to sleep, not letting me sleep when I had to get up the next day, turning off my alarm so I would be late for work and possibly fired. He even went so low as to cry to my kids about how sad he was and my kids being confused.  He would fight me daily, gaslight me, make me have outbursts, and leave me confused. My eyes were constantly swelled from crying so much. I couldn't take it. I asked a friend of mine to please help me (who I only knew for a few months). When Bully found out a man was helping me, all of a sudden, I'm a slut, whore, something about when another dog gets too close, the fleas jump right on (I'm a flea).  This friend was just a nice guy willing to help me in a time of need, and Bully thinks I'm sleeping with him. I finally moved out, and I never went back to Bully. Every now and then, I would make contact with him to propose something on the house because my name was still on it. He would convince me that he was going to, but in actuality, it was to get information on my life (he would conveniently insert parts of his own to try to open me up) but carefully, I would not give him any info. Of course, nothing would happen because I wouldn't play his little quid pro quo game, and this went on for nine years. Then, he got into a new serious relationship (new supply), had a kid with her (poor child), and realized he didn't need me anymore. He released me from the house without a dime, and that's okay because my sanity is worth more, and I'll take the loss. I seriously felt the weight off of me because he no longer had a reason to talk to me, and if he did, I could tell him to drop dead without repercussions. This asshole knew I would be nice to him to get out of the house because when I was nasty to him, he made it harder. I may not have made the best choices or known what to do in these kinds of situations because I lost my sense of self-worth and believed I was stupid. I was with someone who used to hit me physically and emotionally abuse me before Bully. Two abusive relationships back to back. I had no idea how to get out, what was not normal, or what was normal. It took me 40 years to understand these things. I had a narcissistic father, and I didn't know it. My father didn't understand generational abuse, which he was a victim of, which I will save for another blog post. So my choices were based on that. I refuse to be a victim anymore.