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Abuse Is Not Your Fault

    If I were to tell you that I fall apart inside every day while I look happy, would you believe me? It was a question that I wanted to ask people who thought I was with a very good man who appeared to have an okay life. I was a victim of child abuse until I moved out of my parents' house at 19. Five boyfriends from age 20 to 45 were all Hell. All of them were abusive, each of them having a different method. Unfortunately, my children paid the price for the choices I made. I had no idea my decisions were being taken from me by the bullies with emotional, verbal, sexual, and physical abuse. In my early 30s, I became educated on generational abuse. The bully I lived with made me believe he was correct on disciplining the children (he was probably a victim too), that I became passive and should've stopped him. I swore I would never hit my kids or say mean things to them as a child. When he was disciplining the children, I had a flight or fright issue stuck on fright. 

    I know I am the type of person to stand up to people when they are wrong, and I still express this. Here is an example of a man I was in my longest relationship with. It is when I fall in love with a guy who tells me everything I've wanted to hear, and I believe him. Then I feel I cannot move away from a sudden personality change in him because I have made the mistake of moving myself in with someone who has made empty promises. It seems he has figured out ways of keeping me there. Towards the end of our relationship (which lasted eight years), I noticed a pattern. I took notes when I sensed he was doing something to keep me in his loop. He had this cycle; loving me, pointing out all my imperfections, gaslighting me, making me cry, getting me to think it was my fault (even though I didn't understand this at the time), and then ending with him forgiving me and how we will make this work better. 

How did I put up with it for so long? Honestly, I don't know. I thought I loved him and used to believe all his excuses for why he was this way. The more a person like him keeps doing these things to someone (and always the same way with a different scenario), the more a person can develop brain damage. Sometimes you cannot get the support you need after leaving a situation like this. Sometimes people do not understand anything about your problems. Your family might say something like, "You stayed, and it's your fault." or "You're stupid for going back.". These are examples of victim shaming and counterproductive for the person abused. Saying these things may make a victim feel reluctant to leave. 

    If you or someone you know is a victim of abuse, there are many resources for domestic violence. Abuse comes in many forms and affects children's developing brains causing lifelong problems to their overall health. It is hard to protect your children when you feel you don't have a voice or support system. It is also hard to overcome the guilt you may have lingering for many years after this. It took me ten years to realize that it wasn't my fault for being terrorized by him. He made choices to harm others he claimed to love. However, he failed to take responsibility by blaming others for his problems. He never felt bad or said sorry to me, never.

Location: Syracuse, NY, USA

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