When you think you are trying to be vigilant against most abuse, it pops rights up before you. Recently, my best friend (I will call Tom) and his girlfriend (I will call Cassie) gaslighted me. I have known them for years, him being longer with getting to know her after they got together. I thought I had a great friendship with them, doing what regular friends do. I had met Tom through my abusive ex (who I call Bully), and when all of those things with Bully went down, Tom ended things with Bully, and Tom and I became allies. We also dated for a couple of months, and both realized we were better off as friends.
Cassie was an ex-girlfriend of Bully too, so we had something in common and an understanding. For 12 years, Tom and Cassie have been a couple, and we all have shared many things, and our kids played together, etc. Unfortunately, we argued last year, and Cassie and I didn't talk for a few months. I missed her very much, and then I made the move of rekindling the friendship, but Tom didn't want to while she would tell me he needed time until he started talking to me again. I was okay with that, of course.
Two months later, Cassie told me how she missed living in NY and had moved to Virginia 2 years prior. Cassie and Tom moved to be closer to Tom's parents, but his parents both passed away within a year. I felt unfortunate for them because Tom's daughter also died a couple of years before that. Cassie asked if it were possible that I could help her get back to NY by staying with me while they found a place to rent because she missed her mom and her adult children. Tom was still not talking to me when she was asking this, but when I started to think about it, he started talking to me. Tom was saying things about how depressed he was, how he contemplated suicide, and how he had lost his job. Of course, this jolted my fear of suicide, and my family and I let them stay with us.
Cassie and Tom assured us they would not step on our toes. They would be working asap, and get a place as soon as possible. So I let them stay here without rent and only help pay for electricity and garbage because I thought it would help speed things up. I thought they would be living here for up to two months. Cassie also had ten cats that she couldn't put anywhere, and I had room in my garage because there was no way I would live with that many cats in my house, and luckily it was during the summer months. So I also let them use most of the garage as storage. I felt Cassie and Tom were like family, and I treated them that way.
Those two months turned into five months. They didn't look for places like they should rent. Instead, they thought they could get a pre-qual loan with bad credit to buy a house and kept getting turned down. The first time I was rooting for them, they kept trying with different companies; all I could do was wish they could find a place to rent and worry about that later. I tried to hint at them because I wanted my space back by the third month, and my family did not like it. They were making excuses why they couldn't leave, and I was trying to be understanding. I was also trying to keep peace in my house at the same time by not blowing up at people. I would find myself asking every other week if they had any luck.
I told them I needed my space back by the fourth month, and they had to find a place. Well, they did, and we were all happy. Cassie told me she probably shouldn't admit it, but they got way too comfortable here. I felt they were trying to milk the situation when she said that. Finally, the place fell through, and the landlord changed their mind about renting to them. So more frustration ensued. Then they finally went to a place a month later that they initially would take three months earlier, but Cassie and Tom changed their minds about it. When I found out that they could have been out of here the first month that they were here, I was a bit pissed but said nothing about how I felt because I didn't want the last bit of them staying here to be a tense one and probably felt with my family.
The last month was horrible. Tom and Cassie owed me money for the electricity and garbage and said they would pay it after they settled in their new place, and I believed them. So they moved, and I felt better despite being drained and stressed. Then there was another issue, the stuff they stored in my garage. It sat there for almost two months after they left, and it finally took me saying I would move it if they didn't. Cassie and Tom people have great jobs and didn't like where they now lived because of some heating problem. Usually, I would think if you have a place you hate, you save up your money and find something better. Cassie started gofundme.com, stating she needed $3,600 for a new home, bills, and food. When I saw this, I thought, wow, does anybody have no shame? When you set up a charity for yourself, it's typically a nasty illness that costs thousands, or your house burns down, unexpected death, etc.—not begging for money when you have great jobs and owe other people money. You can do whatever you want, but others will look down on you. I feel like I have given them so much opportunity to live rent-free so they can save a lot and get a decent place, but I also thought they didn't keep their part of the deal and screwed me over.
So the gaslighting part that Tom wrote is quite confusing because it is something I found on Facebook on an old post that he used to smear me. While we were not talking, I unfriended them a year ago and blocked them. Then we became friends a few months later, and everything was good. My friends haven't lived here since October 8, 2021, and I recently found an old post on Facebook that Cassie wrote in 2013 because I was searching for a memory of something we did. In the comments section, I saw Tom wrote something on October 31, 2020, and it said I was a piece of shit because I pushed him down while he was on crutches in 2007. Tom also wrote comments about where I work as if I'm a peon for my job and that my father lives with me. I replied to his statement about the pushing, saying, "This never happened, and you know it," and he deleted his comments. Making fun of my job and living with my father didn't bother me, but I started questioning myself about pushing Tom.
I don't recollect it, and I would think that I remember it, and I have no reason to deny it if it had happened. It is bothering me so much because I know it didn't happen. Yesterday I talked to Cassie about it, and she said I pushed Tom when I broke up with him and that it probably was the heat of the moment or something. I told her I didn't think so. She tells me I probably blacked out with anger. I said no, and I changed the subject. Cassie wasn't there when it happened, and she's explaining it to me from his perspective. Where does she off saying that to me? I have decided today that they will no longer be a part of my life. I look back on past things they said or did to me, and I feel they used me because they always needed something. I am always willing to help my friends, but I think they blinded me.
I feel I still have so much work to do. Family, lovers, and friends used and abused me. No wonder I have trust issues, and I hope to surround myself with good people who won't take a mile when you give them an inch.
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