Skip to main content

Posts

Showing posts from October, 2021

Abuse Is Not Your Fault

       If I were to tell you that I fall apart inside every day while I look happy, would you believe me? It was a question that I wanted to ask people who thought I was with a very good man who appeared to have an okay life. I was a victim of child abuse until I moved out of my parents' house at 19. Five boyfriends from age 20 to 45 were all Hell. All of them were abusive, each of them having a different method. Unfortunately, my children paid the price for the choices I made. I had no idea my decisions were being taken from me by the bullies with emotional, verbal, sexual, and physical abuse. In my early 30s, I became educated on generational abuse. The bully I lived with made me believe he was correct on disciplining the children (he was probably a victim too), that I became passive and should've stopped him. I swore I would never hit my kids or say mean things to them as a child. When he was disciplining the children, I had a flight or fright issue stuck on fright.      

Stop Telling Me I'm Crazy

       Gaslighting . For all its intent and purpose is one of those things that somehow get unchecked and somehow gives you a sense of "What just happened here?". The gaslighters love to tell you what they want you to believe and may even argue with you so that you may lose track of what is said to you. When I started dating "The Bully," he knew I got away from an abusive relationship before him, so he sensed a vulnerability in me. He knew he could use this vulnerability against me to question how I felt about the last relationship and (honestly, I still should've worked on myself) if it was something I did or didn't do. I told him I didn't do anything to cause the last boyfriend to hurt me, but that only made him dive deeper to get more information to use against me. I started trusting his thoughts on  my  feelings without realizing that he was trying to control my mind. I've never heard of the term gaslighting for eight years, only to look back and